The Potentially Dangerous Bridge to Oneness
One of my favorite aspects of Dakini work is listening to people's stories. It's an honor when they share intimate details of their lives, and my sharing their stories with you, the reader, lets you know you're not alone in your struggles. I always change names and identifying details, but the meat is there. Here's an email I received last week, and the advice I gave is potentially dangerous, but powerful. If you decide to try it, follow the rules.
Oneness isn't automatic, no matter how long you've been together. It's easy to lose your grip on your relationship and find yourselves drifting apart, and the distance creates loneliness, emotional pain, resentment. Where once you felt wildly in love, now you might wonder if you can even stay in this relationship. Read what Lucia sent me about the drifting she is experiencing with Joseph.
Hello Dakini Leah, and thank you for the email!
My husband's name is Joseph. We met online. We have significantly moved away from intimacy and playfulness in our relationship and I thought [Monday Night Bedtime Tantra] might be a neat thing to try. We argue often, about the same topics, and have for years. I nag, he shuts down. He wants to relax, I feel I need to be productive. He wants more sex and spontaneity, my mind is with other things. Whatever you can offer to help would be great. Lucia
Does this sound familiar? Here's my response to Lucia:
Hello, Lucia Goddess!
Sounds like you two have needs the other isn't fulfilling. Sounds frustrating! The good news is, relationships are supposed to bring up our shit so we can expand into Who We Want To Be.
Here are two powerful exercises to help you address the arguing, find balance with sex, get back on track with one another.
1. Deep listening. The next time Joseph tries to tell you something, make it your primary intention to go completely yin, that is, to understand his point of view without need to communicate your side of things. Listen deeply, and then repeat what he said so he has a sense you completely understand his perspective AND his feelings on the matter. If you have full understanding of his point of view, you have succeeded in the exercise. Joseph will feel loved and respected, which makes it much easier for him to fully listen to you.
2. Bonding Practice. This Tantric exercise comes from Kerry Riley's book, Tantric Secrets for Men. It is a sacred practice between you two that when one of you calls the Bonding Practice, the other must participate no matter what. To break faith is to betray the other. That's why this exercise can be dangerous. It's designed to allow you and Joseph to share erotic energy without actually having sex. It honors simultaneously his desire for eroticism, and your desire for space:
Jospeh lies flat on his back. You come curl up on Joseph's left side with your head on his heart and your left knee over his sex center. Both of you melt into each other and breathe deeply, exhaling your pain/frustration/anger and inhaling the larger truth of your love for one another. Hold the pose for 15 to 20 minutes. Afterward, get up and go do something separately, but do NOT discuss the disagreement. Your hearts will be wide open to one another, and discussing the disagreement at this point can be very destructive. Come together later after you have had a chance to settle down a bit and discuss the disagreement from the standpoint of love and respect, using the deep listening.
Let me know how things go between you, beautiful soul.
Lots of love,
Lucia wrote me back saying that these exercise helped them find balance and refreshment in their relationship, and so far, they seem to be using the Bonding Practice safely.
Please write to me with your relationship challenges and let's use Tantra to get you two back on the path to Oneness. The love couples share spills out of their homes into their communities and blesses the whole world.
Learn more about January's Monday Night Bedtime Tantra series here. It airs live at 9 pm every Monday night.
Leah Kenyon is a Certified Tantra Educator helping people employ their sexual energy for healing, intimacy, and self-development. Every adult, from LGBTQ, seniors, differently-abled and other non-traditional students are warmly welcome. She serves Colorado's Grand and Roaring Fork Valleys with classes and affordable private sessions. To book, call 242-5094 or email LivingInTantra@gmail.com.